The past month has been a slow one for me because it's officially somewhere around a month since I graduated with my B.A. and I am now back home in Modesto, California living with my parents.
I don't have any sort of need to rebel or assert my independence here, or any of that nonsense. I just can't help but sometimes feel this sort of frustration with not having made any concrete, socially acceptable progress towards my goals in life. It's frustrating because I am here at home and I try to make myself useful, but not having a job really puts a hamper on my own self-worth for whatever reason. I won't go into the problems I have with that idea and mindset, but I know enough to push it down and away simply because it's wrong.
I keep telling myself it's gonna take time to make progress toward my career and life goals and so for the meantime I should just be patient and just keep looking. However, the job market in Modesto, Stanislaus County, and the Central Valley in general is pretty dismal, and Modesto is one of the bigger cities. I just wanted a decent paying job so I can save up while pursuing my own goals, which initially are going to have to exist outside my 9 to 5. Nevertheless, I decided my best option is probably just to begin developing and pursuing my career in education.
So for now, I am going to be studying up to take the CBEST this weekend, which is a test in which passage is needed in order to become a substitute teacher in the state of California. That was a weirdly phrased sentence.
I'm hoping I kick some booty on it because as of the plans I currently have, it is going to take a while for me to earn a doctorate in education. That is one of my dreams, and I plan to make it a reality. I just hadn't thought I was going to be pursuing it this soon. I hope I do well in getting myself on track to where I want to be. I am very thankful to my parents for all the support and love they give me, and I love them back for it!
It's hard to be in this transitional moment in life. I know I could get a minimum wage job no problem, but I went to college for a reason and want to start working on things I want to do in life.
So what's the current plan? I'm looking to work on the CBEST and CSET to prepare for a credential program at a local university. I am applying for the Spring of 2010, and with that I can start my career in education and get some experience before going back to school. I really am excited and nervous at the same time. I hadn't planned to go back to school this soon, but if it's what life calls for then so be it. Plans need to be flexible, right?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
in-spire
You make me want to dance.
You make me want to sing. SING!
You make me want to play.
You make me feel like I can do anything I
please.
In world where I have to ask and say
please.
Because a secret to life so many fail to realize is that our eyes, our bodies voices and
cries
of the spectator is just as much the art as your designs, sounds, paintings, and thighs
you move
across the ground. We affect your art just as much as your art affects us.
Or didn't you real eyes?
You make me want to sing. SING!
You make me want to play.
You make me feel like I can do anything I
please.
In world where I have to ask and say
please.
Because a secret to life so many fail to realize is that our eyes, our bodies voices and
cries
of the spectator is just as much the art as your designs, sounds, paintings, and thighs
you move
across the ground. We affect your art just as much as your art affects us.
Or didn't you real eyes?
make. love.
innovative sounds
voices passing round
my ears touch the ground
without touching down
the sound waves pass through my body jol-ting
the blood in my veins
my vains
my body moves
whether i want to
or not
so why not connect
destroy
the hate.
create
the love
so many of us never learned to make
voices passing round
my ears touch the ground
without touching down
the sound waves pass through my body jol-ting
the blood in my veins
my vains
my body moves
whether i want to
or not
so why not connect
destroy
the hate.
create
the love
so many of us never learned to make
culture is NOT "human nature"
I posted a "tweet" (I hate twitter-speak) a few minutes ago that read "I notice a lot in TV & movies that what they call "human nature" is simply European & Western CULTURE. Time to point it out more."
I don't believe in soundbytes, but that's all the attention span people seem to have nowadays for anything they can deem to be "worth their time," when time is all in our minds. But that's a completely different post.
I have thoughts that cross my mind that I always think about sharing with people but don't for whatever reason. This one shouldn't stay quiet.
My good friend and brother, Luis, pointed out something I have thought of before when watching The Matrix trilogy. There is a point in the movie where the main bad guy, Agent Smith, says to one of the main characters, Morpheus, that according to his observations and final conclusion, the human race is a virus. The human race is a virus upon the Earth and we will eventually kill it and ourselves in the process.
When I first saw this movie, and was still embedded and "submerged" in this Western and European culture that the U.S. pretty much IS, I agreed with it. As I watched the movies again over the years, while in the middle of doing my own thinking and reading on culture, I came to disagree with this statement. Why? Because it is possible to live in harmony with the Earth and maintain the balance that the Earth struggles to help maintain in its own way(s). Think of the ocean and wind currents that take heat and cold to the places they need to be. Without the constant movement of the heat and cold throughout the world, the Earth would be much different, and we might not even be a live.
If I need to elaborate more, let me know. But the point I am getting at is that Indigenous ways of life here did not harm the Earth, and people lived every day trying to maintain a balance with the Earth and all the other forms of life around us. We were no menace upon the Earth. Of course, this is no romanticizaton of Indigenous peoples (but still don't come talking to me about pre-existing empires, enslavement, "sacrifice", or any other European-fabricated myths and massive misunderstandings about our cultures). These ways of balance and harmony with the Earth existed around the world before the barbarians came and destroyed our worlds. Heck, even Europeans had what are now called "pagan" religions that emphasized harmony with the Earth that more or less (warning: generalization incoming) ended with the expansion of Christianity throughout Europe.
So what is the point of all this? The point is that the culture of domination that includes, but is not limited to, Christianity's expansion and colonization is apparently seems to be running and coursing throughout our lives and and very mindsets that we look at selfishness, greed, hate, callousness, deceit, lies, pollution, self-centeredness, etc as "human nature." It's not. It's culture. There were and are different ways of being that we cannot even think of or imagine because we grew up in a culture whose raw materials and ingredients are of the things I mentioned. And what's worse? Calling them "human nature" goes one step further than making it the norm, it makes us not just believe or assume, but take for a given without question (much like we take for granted the sky is there) that there is NO WAY OUT.
I say, take a look at the past, our many stories (I won't call it history) and go far enough back to see it wasn't always this way. And I know not everyone will agree with me on this but I have to say: If there's a way in, then there's a way out.
There's no need to think that a system in which 10% of the population owns 90% of the wealth is "natural" and that they deserve all the 'wealth" (really, is money ALL you need to be wealthy in this life?). The poor aren't poor because they deserve to be poor. I don't know about Europe, but when Europeans came here and set up a system in which they were on top and here to liberate/christianize/save us, yet put us in a continually subservient position, I see that the system was built that way and has never changed since then. There's no reason to see a system that forces men to be emotionally numb, dull, silent, retarded, and somehow above women as "natural."
Anyhow, I could go on, but I feel I have made my point. And to clarify this post a wittle bit... this is not a Christianity-bash or a White-bash. If you take it so personally, then you are not really hearing me. I mean what I say and say what I mean, and I did not say "I hate Europeans/Whites" or "I hate Christians." Why? Because I don't. This is just some observations and judgements humbly put forth from someone who has and is stepping outside the ways so many of us are taught to think in the best way he can. Yadada mean? I thought so!
I don't believe in soundbytes, but that's all the attention span people seem to have nowadays for anything they can deem to be "worth their time," when time is all in our minds. But that's a completely different post.
I have thoughts that cross my mind that I always think about sharing with people but don't for whatever reason. This one shouldn't stay quiet.
My good friend and brother, Luis, pointed out something I have thought of before when watching The Matrix trilogy. There is a point in the movie where the main bad guy, Agent Smith, says to one of the main characters, Morpheus, that according to his observations and final conclusion, the human race is a virus. The human race is a virus upon the Earth and we will eventually kill it and ourselves in the process.
When I first saw this movie, and was still embedded and "submerged" in this Western and European culture that the U.S. pretty much IS, I agreed with it. As I watched the movies again over the years, while in the middle of doing my own thinking and reading on culture, I came to disagree with this statement. Why? Because it is possible to live in harmony with the Earth and maintain the balance that the Earth struggles to help maintain in its own way(s). Think of the ocean and wind currents that take heat and cold to the places they need to be. Without the constant movement of the heat and cold throughout the world, the Earth would be much different, and we might not even be a live.
If I need to elaborate more, let me know. But the point I am getting at is that Indigenous ways of life here did not harm the Earth, and people lived every day trying to maintain a balance with the Earth and all the other forms of life around us. We were no menace upon the Earth. Of course, this is no romanticizaton of Indigenous peoples (but still don't come talking to me about pre-existing empires, enslavement, "sacrifice", or any other European-fabricated myths and massive misunderstandings about our cultures). These ways of balance and harmony with the Earth existed around the world before the barbarians came and destroyed our worlds. Heck, even Europeans had what are now called "pagan" religions that emphasized harmony with the Earth that more or less (warning: generalization incoming) ended with the expansion of Christianity throughout Europe.
So what is the point of all this? The point is that the culture of domination that includes, but is not limited to, Christianity's expansion and colonization is apparently seems to be running and coursing throughout our lives and and very mindsets that we look at selfishness, greed, hate, callousness, deceit, lies, pollution, self-centeredness, etc as "human nature." It's not. It's culture. There were and are different ways of being that we cannot even think of or imagine because we grew up in a culture whose raw materials and ingredients are of the things I mentioned. And what's worse? Calling them "human nature" goes one step further than making it the norm, it makes us not just believe or assume, but take for a given without question (much like we take for granted the sky is there) that there is NO WAY OUT.
I say, take a look at the past, our many stories (I won't call it history) and go far enough back to see it wasn't always this way. And I know not everyone will agree with me on this but I have to say: If there's a way in, then there's a way out.
There's no need to think that a system in which 10% of the population owns 90% of the wealth is "natural" and that they deserve all the 'wealth" (really, is money ALL you need to be wealthy in this life?). The poor aren't poor because they deserve to be poor. I don't know about Europe, but when Europeans came here and set up a system in which they were on top and here to liberate/christianize/save us, yet put us in a continually subservient position, I see that the system was built that way and has never changed since then. There's no reason to see a system that forces men to be emotionally numb, dull, silent, retarded, and somehow above women as "natural."
Anyhow, I could go on, but I feel I have made my point. And to clarify this post a wittle bit... this is not a Christianity-bash or a White-bash. If you take it so personally, then you are not really hearing me. I mean what I say and say what I mean, and I did not say "I hate Europeans/Whites" or "I hate Christians." Why? Because I don't. This is just some observations and judgements humbly put forth from someone who has and is stepping outside the ways so many of us are taught to think in the best way he can. Yadada mean? I thought so!
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Insitution of Higher Assimilation
I'm working on a 15-page paper that is going to be due in a few days and I need to get my writing juices flowing. They've been a little bit dry as of late so I am going to use this post to get some thoughts out that have been itching inside of me the past few days to help get out the rust.
I have one more quarter left at UC Santa Cruz and I have to say that after the past 4-5 years of being here, I say that I absolutely loathe what the university does to relationships between students and professors. I had a great conversation today with my professor and today is also the day of my final. That's right. The very last time I am in front of my professor I have what is probably the conversation I have been wanting to have with someone regarding Spanish.
I didn't grow up speaking e-spanish for different reasons, the main one being that my mother was alienated severely for speaking Spanish growing up in the Central Valley of California. When she would speak in class, the teacher would actually hit her for not knowing English. Again, the theme of violence in schools comes up as a theme, and in this case a child, a girl of color was physically hit and psychologically scarred to the point where she refused to teach her children Spanish. But why? Don't we live in a different era? She simply did not want her children to have to go through what she did. Yes, it has been a struggle to learn Spanish, but I respect deeply my mother's decision to teach my brother and me Spanish. Nowadays she speaks to her grandchildren in Spanish when she can and I appreciate that because I didn't have that chance.
I've been taking Spanish classes since junior high and it has been a continual struggle to really grasp the language and be able to speak it, and through now I still am not very fluent. I can listen to it pretty well for the most part, but speaking is my greatest fear. The biggest problem I have is that I freeze up if I can't think of a word to express my thought. I get frustrated VERY easily and want to just give up and stay quiet and flush with frustration and anger at myself. I push through this as much as I can and try to keep my thoughts flowing. So imagine being in this position and taking a class completely conducted in Spanish including the reading, writing, and discussion.
For me, it was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I had a tough time dealing with taking a class in Spanish because I understood so little of it. We weren't reading "Hi, how are you. Fine, thank you very much," kind of articles. We read articles discussing the histories and theories of modernization and the emergence of social movements in the era of industrialism and modernity. What is a social movement? Why do they start? How do we categorize them? How does globalization, neocolonialism, and neoliberalism play into the dynamics of social movements? Daunting yet interesting stuff, right? =p
So this leads us back to the conversation I had with my professor today (he's the professor for the class conducted in Espanish). I found the class very intimidating because of my inexperience with Spanish. He told me today, however, that I should continue developing my Spanish because the population of the United States is becoming more and more Spanish-language oriented. I laughed as he was saying this, thinking of the irony of his advice, and told him that believe it or not, learning many languages is a goal of mine. I mean a life goal. I want to learn as many languages as I can to be able to communicate with anyone who is in my community. Spanish? Hellz yeah! Vietnamese? You bet your ass! Zapotec? How could you think otherwise! Communication is KEY. It's a very daunting and heavy goal because it has taken a long time to really get a grasp on Spanish. And as I sat there telling my professor about that goal, he told me that I have a strong base in the language and he can tell. He said I need to take more classes conducted in Spanish (not just about learning Spanish structure) to develop it. And he left me with the metaphor that language is like music.
"Toques la guitarra? (Do you play guitar?)" he asked. "Sí," I responded. And he told me something along the lines of, "El lenguaje es como la musica. Cuando toques la guitarra muy bien, tiene dedos muy duros y puedes tocar música como quieres. Y cuando hace mucho tiempo que no tocarla, tus dedos no están muy duros. Si tratas tocarla otra vez, es más difícil porque no tiene dedos duros y la musica no sona la misma. Eso eso como el lenguaje. (Language is like music. When you play the guitar really well, you have hard fingers that let you play however you want. If you put the guitar down and come back to it after some time, you still might remmeber how to play, but the music doesn't sound the same because your fingers don't have calouses, and it can hurt to play after some time. And that is what language is like.)"
I sat in amazement thinking about how poetic he made that analogy sound, and began thinking about how the way the insitution of higher learning currently operates keeps students from getting to know professors as people. We do not go into the classroom as people ready to learn from one another. We go into the classrooms with our roles as students and professors/teachers. We should all really be considered the students and the teachers at the same time and be ready to engage with one another as people. I left there thinking of my professor in a much different light than when I first entered his class. I wondered if he was imply in a great mood today (or just recently in a good mood), but his words were very encouraging to me. They helped me feel inspired to continue working through my insecurity with Espanish, and also signaled to me that he clearly saw some sort of proof that I was being genuine in telling him my poor participation in the class had to do with being scared of Espanish.
And if my intuition is right about him seeing that effort from me, it made me feel like I actually connected with my professor as a person, and that he respected my making myself vulnerable to him in talking to him about my trouble with speaking Espanish. It felt good. It made me feel that much more that I would like to see a world where people enter the classroom or environments of learning with the idea that we can engage with each other as people. Shouldn't our education matter to our real life experiences anyhow? Otherwise, what's the point?
I love learning, but that doesn't mean I don't have any fears keeping me from really engaging. I hope to keep this energy up regarding my education, not just in college, but in life.
On a more political note: for folks out there who might be against "having" to learn Spanish or any other "foreign language" just to be able to communicate with people we live around, I'd just like to suggest that we think about language as a means for us to bridge communities and open the possibilities for getting to connect with people. While I feel an obligation to learn languages, I have it as a goal in life because I love the idea of being able to share and connect with folks who are silenced in this society for not knowing English. Everyone should have a right to not only speak, but to also be heard. And it's a beautiful thing to learn a new language, anyway because it gives so much insight into a culture to know a language. And what I mean by that is learning the language IS learning the culture - a huge part of the culture, but certainly not the whole thing. That's where the people come in. Man. It makes me happy just to think about it. So please take into consideration my suggestion.
So I end this with my original point that while I didn't go explicitly into, is still connected to everything I talked about. No more violence in academia or the classroom! Now! Violence is not connecting with people and treating each other as the roles we fill. I'm not just a student. I have so much history and experience that make up who I am, and so do you!
Thank you for reading and letting me share this with you. I appreciate all eyes and ears who take the time to listen. No joke, haha. And now, to get this final done!
I have one more quarter left at UC Santa Cruz and I have to say that after the past 4-5 years of being here, I say that I absolutely loathe what the university does to relationships between students and professors. I had a great conversation today with my professor and today is also the day of my final. That's right. The very last time I am in front of my professor I have what is probably the conversation I have been wanting to have with someone regarding Spanish.
I didn't grow up speaking e-spanish for different reasons, the main one being that my mother was alienated severely for speaking Spanish growing up in the Central Valley of California. When she would speak in class, the teacher would actually hit her for not knowing English. Again, the theme of violence in schools comes up as a theme, and in this case a child, a girl of color was physically hit and psychologically scarred to the point where she refused to teach her children Spanish. But why? Don't we live in a different era? She simply did not want her children to have to go through what she did. Yes, it has been a struggle to learn Spanish, but I respect deeply my mother's decision to teach my brother and me Spanish. Nowadays she speaks to her grandchildren in Spanish when she can and I appreciate that because I didn't have that chance.
I've been taking Spanish classes since junior high and it has been a continual struggle to really grasp the language and be able to speak it, and through now I still am not very fluent. I can listen to it pretty well for the most part, but speaking is my greatest fear. The biggest problem I have is that I freeze up if I can't think of a word to express my thought. I get frustrated VERY easily and want to just give up and stay quiet and flush with frustration and anger at myself. I push through this as much as I can and try to keep my thoughts flowing. So imagine being in this position and taking a class completely conducted in Spanish including the reading, writing, and discussion.
For me, it was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I had a tough time dealing with taking a class in Spanish because I understood so little of it. We weren't reading "Hi, how are you. Fine, thank you very much," kind of articles. We read articles discussing the histories and theories of modernization and the emergence of social movements in the era of industrialism and modernity. What is a social movement? Why do they start? How do we categorize them? How does globalization, neocolonialism, and neoliberalism play into the dynamics of social movements? Daunting yet interesting stuff, right? =p
So this leads us back to the conversation I had with my professor today (he's the professor for the class conducted in Espanish). I found the class very intimidating because of my inexperience with Spanish. He told me today, however, that I should continue developing my Spanish because the population of the United States is becoming more and more Spanish-language oriented. I laughed as he was saying this, thinking of the irony of his advice, and told him that believe it or not, learning many languages is a goal of mine. I mean a life goal. I want to learn as many languages as I can to be able to communicate with anyone who is in my community. Spanish? Hellz yeah! Vietnamese? You bet your ass! Zapotec? How could you think otherwise! Communication is KEY. It's a very daunting and heavy goal because it has taken a long time to really get a grasp on Spanish. And as I sat there telling my professor about that goal, he told me that I have a strong base in the language and he can tell. He said I need to take more classes conducted in Spanish (not just about learning Spanish structure) to develop it. And he left me with the metaphor that language is like music.
"Toques la guitarra? (Do you play guitar?)" he asked. "Sí," I responded. And he told me something along the lines of, "El lenguaje es como la musica. Cuando toques la guitarra muy bien, tiene dedos muy duros y puedes tocar música como quieres. Y cuando hace mucho tiempo que no tocarla, tus dedos no están muy duros. Si tratas tocarla otra vez, es más difícil porque no tiene dedos duros y la musica no sona la misma. Eso eso como el lenguaje. (Language is like music. When you play the guitar really well, you have hard fingers that let you play however you want. If you put the guitar down and come back to it after some time, you still might remmeber how to play, but the music doesn't sound the same because your fingers don't have calouses, and it can hurt to play after some time. And that is what language is like.)"
I sat in amazement thinking about how poetic he made that analogy sound, and began thinking about how the way the insitution of higher learning currently operates keeps students from getting to know professors as people. We do not go into the classroom as people ready to learn from one another. We go into the classrooms with our roles as students and professors/teachers. We should all really be considered the students and the teachers at the same time and be ready to engage with one another as people. I left there thinking of my professor in a much different light than when I first entered his class. I wondered if he was imply in a great mood today (or just recently in a good mood), but his words were very encouraging to me. They helped me feel inspired to continue working through my insecurity with Espanish, and also signaled to me that he clearly saw some sort of proof that I was being genuine in telling him my poor participation in the class had to do with being scared of Espanish.
And if my intuition is right about him seeing that effort from me, it made me feel like I actually connected with my professor as a person, and that he respected my making myself vulnerable to him in talking to him about my trouble with speaking Espanish. It felt good. It made me feel that much more that I would like to see a world where people enter the classroom or environments of learning with the idea that we can engage with each other as people. Shouldn't our education matter to our real life experiences anyhow? Otherwise, what's the point?
I love learning, but that doesn't mean I don't have any fears keeping me from really engaging. I hope to keep this energy up regarding my education, not just in college, but in life.
On a more political note: for folks out there who might be against "having" to learn Spanish or any other "foreign language" just to be able to communicate with people we live around, I'd just like to suggest that we think about language as a means for us to bridge communities and open the possibilities for getting to connect with people. While I feel an obligation to learn languages, I have it as a goal in life because I love the idea of being able to share and connect with folks who are silenced in this society for not knowing English. Everyone should have a right to not only speak, but to also be heard. And it's a beautiful thing to learn a new language, anyway because it gives so much insight into a culture to know a language. And what I mean by that is learning the language IS learning the culture - a huge part of the culture, but certainly not the whole thing. That's where the people come in. Man. It makes me happy just to think about it. So please take into consideration my suggestion.
So I end this with my original point that while I didn't go explicitly into, is still connected to everything I talked about. No more violence in academia or the classroom! Now! Violence is not connecting with people and treating each other as the roles we fill. I'm not just a student. I have so much history and experience that make up who I am, and so do you!
Thank you for reading and letting me share this with you. I appreciate all eyes and ears who take the time to listen. No joke, haha. And now, to get this final done!
Back in Black and ready to Attack?
I'll keep this quick in saying it has been quite a while since I last posted. I think about this blog on occasion and wonder whether it'll be worthwhile to keep posting. When I originally started this blog, I envisioned myself trying to become something that kept a weird taste in my mouth and really left me feeling like I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Basically, I just wasn't doing it for myself.
In thinking about the idea of documenting my own experiences, thoughts, and feelings about anything I realized it would be nice to get my own thoughts down onto digital webspace for my own archiving and remembering. I don't know how much more often I'll be posting for certain, but I will be posting pretty much about anything that concerns me. If I simply got something on my mind I gotta get out to feel emotionally well, then Imma do et!
Photography, audio, personal journals, rantings, ramblings, ravings, and reviews. Philosophy, analyzing, education, and anything else i FEEL like will be on here. Should be pretty fun.
Anyhow, I don't know when or if i will ever have a readership of some kind, but whoever picks this space up and happens to read, I thank you in advance. Just know I speak from my reality and do hope to be taken as one point of view and not someone who is trying to prove that my point of view is correct and above everyone else's.
Welp, time to take to the digital skies with this one. I always liked the one's and zero's better up there anyway.
In thinking about the idea of documenting my own experiences, thoughts, and feelings about anything I realized it would be nice to get my own thoughts down onto digital webspace for my own archiving and remembering. I don't know how much more often I'll be posting for certain, but I will be posting pretty much about anything that concerns me. If I simply got something on my mind I gotta get out to feel emotionally well, then Imma do et!
Photography, audio, personal journals, rantings, ramblings, ravings, and reviews. Philosophy, analyzing, education, and anything else i FEEL like will be on here. Should be pretty fun.
Anyhow, I don't know when or if i will ever have a readership of some kind, but whoever picks this space up and happens to read, I thank you in advance. Just know I speak from my reality and do hope to be taken as one point of view and not someone who is trying to prove that my point of view is correct and above everyone else's.
Welp, time to take to the digital skies with this one. I always liked the one's and zero's better up there anyway.
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